The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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