Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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