I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
