I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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