Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
