Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
