The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
