So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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