Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She told me I should be a condom model.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
