This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
