Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
