I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Less talking, more tequila
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
