Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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