I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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