Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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