If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
