How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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