i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
