seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
