Michael Bay diarrhea
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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