Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
