Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
