John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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