so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
