I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
