i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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