Apparently you make a good broom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
