he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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