I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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