i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
