I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
