I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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