the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
