the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Found your dick twin last night
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
