I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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