wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
false alarm. still invincible.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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