I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
