as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
