8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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