Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
