If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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