You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i came on her dog
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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