im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
