I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
