i may or may not be watching the land before time
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just found puke in my bra..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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