I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
