Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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