I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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