Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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