If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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