Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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