Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
