Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
