Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
