508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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