I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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