I wanna bring you to show and tell
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
