Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
