Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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