Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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