i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
