We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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