I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
